This baby needs to hurry and get here. Levi is watching me like a time bomb, Mom answers the phone in a panic every time I call, and I'm as tense as a steel spring most of the time... was that a contraction?
I need to get a freaking grip on myself, so does everyone else. Especially me though. If I'm not relaxed it's going to take her twice as long to get here.
Sister keeps telling me to wait until she and brother get home next weekend to have the baby so they can pace in the waiting room. NOT my choice! If this baby does come early I hope it's on my birthday next week or on a day that isn't the 14th, 15th, or 16th. Too many birthdays in November!

Winter is in the air. Leave it to Oklahoma to skip almost an entire season. Levi seems to think that this means we're in for a mean winter.
The nursery is all but complete. The only things that remain are some touch up work, the curtains, and painting the end table white... oh and Levi wants to replace the ceiling fan with one that's a little more girley. He's so going to spoil this baby girl rotten... if her grandparents don't beat him to it. ;)
I'm tired. Tired but happy. I only have four more weeks to go in this pregnancy. Four weeks that are going to last an eternity. People keep telling me that the last few weeks will go by more quickly because I'll be visiting the doctor every week from now on but I'm not so sure.
I have to take Heidi, our little beagle mix, to the vet for her second round of puppy shots today... on my own. I don't know how well I'll do considering the fact that I'm pregnant and I can't stand the sight of needles...(the fear of needles is part of the reason why I am going to do a natural birth).
My baby shower is on Sunday afternoon/evening. My sister and her wonderful friend are throwing it for me. I'm so excited! I'll get to see all of my friends again and that will be great. But I can't help but feel a little anxious. My Nana is going to be there and the last thing that I need is for her to take offense at something that one of my friends say or do (since a lot of them aren't really your traditional "Christians" and tend to say exactly what they think). I'm sort of worried that she'll cause a scene and embarrass my mom, sister, and myself. This is probably unfounded but you know with the hormones and stuff it seems like a very real possibility.

Baby girl,
Sweet baby girl,
You are coming into one messed up world.
My prayer for you,
Is that you'll be true,
To your heart and soul.
Let no one take,
Or try to break,
Your spirit or take control of you.
Always know,
As you grow,
That you are loved no matter what you do.
You'll be my girl,
Sweet baby girl,
And I'll always be there for you.

By: Christi Parker

I wish that I could say that the curve balls that life throws my way no longer phase me... but that would be lying.
This morning while talking on the phone with my mom I had a revelation. It's really been bothering me for the last couple of months, the way that Levi and I got married. With no thought for either of our parents feelings... this isn't me. I'm the type of person who wants everyone to live in harmony with each other and I do NOT like to create conflict of any kind... so why did I allow things to happen the way that they did?
The reason I discovered this morning is this: when Levi and I started dating it was at a time in my life when I felt like no one really cared about me. I was pretty much an outcast from the church I was going to. My siblings never stood up for me when I got my heart broken or someone there hurt me. They would always say that it was my fault that the things would happen and I shouldn't blame the emotional results on THEIR friends. I was living with my dad, who never seemed to care where I was or who I was with. He never seemed to hear me when I would tell him about my plans and was always surprised when I would call and tell him that my plans had changed. Mom was the only one who really paid attention. Levi treated me like I was worth something. This is why I went against everyone the way that I did.

You know I find it amazing that the people who we love or admire the most are the ones that often hurt or disappoint us the easiest.
Why is this? Do we place these people on pedestals and expect them to be less human and more immortal than the rest of the world? Is this why we're so easily crushed when they fail us as all humans do?
I believe that this is true... after a fashion. Not only do we place these people on pedestals, we also pour out our souls to them. Therefore they know our weaknesses and are able to (whether intentionally or not) use them against us. This is true with our families, spouses, friends, and heroes. We in this life need to stop having unrealistic expectations of people and realize that we're all subject to human screw-ups. Easier said than done, I know. But the first step to fixing something is to admit that it's broken.

As my due date creeps closer my impatience and panic start to cement themselves into my soul. Each day the panic and the impatience both seem to either cut off my air supply or threaten to drive me insane.
Though my temper has been short the last few months it's nothing compared to what poor Levi's is. I get chewed out on almost a daily basis for things that aren't in my control. I know he's doing his job worrying about our finances, my health, the baby's health, etc. But I have to admit it's can get more than a little annoying.... especially when he doesn't want me to go anywhere in case something were to happen. He says that it's because he can't bear the thought of losing both me and the baby and I understand, but at the same time I wish that he wouldn't worry so much.

My Siblings

As much as I love my brother and sister sometimes I worry about them. They're so caught up in the church and their friends that they tend to take their family for granted.
When my sister is home for a couple of days after being gone for two plus weeks does she go see my mom for an evening? Not very often. 9 times out of 10 you can find her and her husband at one of their friends houses. Then she has the gall to turn a guilt trip on me for having plans on some night that she wants to get the family together.
My brother is a little better. But he still tends to put his friends first. He drops everything for them but we (his family) have to fight to even get him on the phone to make sure he's still alive.
How is it that this happens so much of the time? One sibling does all that they can for their family and the rest just figure that the family will always be there but the friends are more important?
I know that I must seem tired and bitchy and in many ways I am but still even if I wasn't pregnant this would bother me.