How much pain can a heart take when it is repeatedly exposed to that which causes it pain?
Life has thrown me a curve ball, I'm trying to do everything I can to make lemonade of the lemons given. But I am running into road blocks at every turn. Why can't something just work the way it's supposed to for once?
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm trying to just ride the wave, but the wind keeps pushing me off course.
I don't know how much more I can take before I drown.

This week sucks. Travace came down sick late Friday night with a cold brought on by teething and the change in the weather. He's been unbearable. Levi was away for the weekend in Woodward, OK so I was dealing with uber crank and his sister all by myself. We went to Mom's on Saturday and neither of the kids' attitudes changed much. Levi got home on Saturday night but nothing has changed. Now instead of yelling at me every two seconds for their daddy now they're yelling his name every two seconds for no apparent reason.

Levi and I have caught the cold that Trav still has and now Zoe's coming down with it too. Right now it feels like the whole universe is against us.

I am doing my level best to change things about me that I don't like. I have made myself a cleaning schedule for every day of the week. Because I feel like crap, I'm not getting nearly as much done as I would like, but I am trying.

Levi says that life is resistant to change even though it constantly brings change about. It appears to be true. I'm having to put off getting a job until after the first of the year. It's really throwing me off. I was all geared up and ready to start working again so that I can start being self sufficient. Now I have to grind to a halt? Not doing very well at all with that.

God, I hope the week gets better! I don't know how much more either of us can take.

The cooler weather is wreaking havoc on my allergies. I'm glad that we finally have a break in the weather but it's supposed to be back up in the mid-ninety's next week. Damn living in Oklahoma sometimes. LOL

Levi is still sleeping, the kids are watching Jungle Junction. I'm trying to occupy my overly busy mind from scattering in a million different directions. I think that I'm going to continue my crochet project that I started for Trav. (I'm making him a blanket and Zoe is next, then my niece Margo).

I don't know which way I'm going anymore. The one thing that I thought would stay solid is on shaky ground. I am facing the humiliating task of finding a job. And I'm trying to find out who I am apart from my titles. It's very confusing...

The last couple of weeks haven't been easy ones for me. Big changes are coming at me too fast for my liking.

Levi and I are trying to figure out things about ourselves and our marriage. I'm job hunting. My mom and I aren't on the greatest of terms. Zoe will be 3 in two months and Travace is walking everywhere and starting to talk.

Needless to say my mental and emotional states are under a lot of stress. I'm trying to take all this one day at a time, one thing at a time but I keep tottering back and forth between being filled with this manic energy and drowning in the emotions.

Throughout all of this week one song has helped anchor me: I Dare You to Move by Switchfoot. The second verse says: Welcome to the fallout. Welcome to resistance. The tension is here, the tension is here. Between who you are and who you could be. Between how it is and how is should be...
Every time I hear the song in my head or sing it to myself I feel much more calm.

I'm trying very hard to change things about myself for myself while remaining a good and steady mother to my children. It hasn't been easy. I want to be a good wife and a good mother, but I'm learning that in order to do those things like I want to, I have to first make myself happy. Because right now I don't love or like myself very much at all. And haven't done so for a long time. How can I expect anyone else to like and love me if that's the case?

It's going to be a long lesson but I'm slowly learning it.