As my baby boy turns into a little boy I find my arms aching to hold onto him for as long as I can. As Zoe turns into a little girl, I find myself thinking more and more about how she was as a baby. As they grow from toddlers to children, I worry about the heart aches and trials that life will inevitably throw at them. I ache for the them and the bad things that they will have to experience in order to become stronger and truly live their lives to the fullest extent.
     
     As much as I would love to wrap them in bubble wrap and shield them from the world, I know that in the long run I would be doing them a disservice. I experienced the results of that kind of upbringing first hand. I was so sheltered that when I got out into the world for the first time, it knocked me on my ass. Being so unprepared was almost the end of me. I won't do that to my kids. While I won't expose them to anything before they're ready to face it, I'm not going to pretend that the harsh realities of the world don't exist.

   I would love to have another baby, but as things stand right now, I first need a bigger house and Travace has GOT to be fully potty-trained. I am not dealing with both him and a new baby in diapers! Been there done that Jack!

   Levi is at the Ballroom working tonight. I don't like to be alone with my thoughts this late at night. I have a tendency to dwell on negatives and can throw myself into either panic or depression and I'm not sure which is worse.

   Christmas is right around the corner already. Zoe keeps talking about it and how much she wants snow for Christmas. Trying to explain that Oklahoma rarely gets snow to a four-year-old isn't the easiest thing...in fact it's almost freaking impossible.

   Travace a sneakier little stinker than I had originally given him credit for being. Yesterday he comes up to me and starts counting. 1-4 and then 10-14! Then he holds up three lego blocks in one hand and three fingers on the other and says: "Three my Mommy. It's three!". He also knows his letters A-D apparently. Today he shouts: "EYE!" and then jabs me in the eye with his finger. He also has an obsession with Angry Birds, or as he calls them "Anger Burds". They have Angry Birds plush back-packs at the store, and when we went this morning he held one of the red birds and talked to it the whole time we were shopping. I guess we know what to get him for Christmas! I also know what theme to use for his birthday next May! lol

I just keep adding work to my daily load. I must be a glutton for punishment or something...I am adding candle making, soap making, and bread baking to my list of stuff to do. Bread will be once a week at least, candle making won't be often mainly for gifts and such, and soap making will be more often than the candles because it is something that will get used daily.

I am tired but my life is full and I am happy.

Being a mom, a wife, a daughter, a best friend...it isn't easy.

I love what I have and what I am, but sometimes it's overwhelming.

Levi had all four of his wisdom teeth pulled on Friday morning and hasn't had the time to really just sit and get rest that he needs. I came down sick on Friday night and am still going through it. I don't know what it is, the flu or a severe chest cold. Anyway, poor Levi has been having to pick up the slack that I'm leaving and I feel really bad about it.

My relationship with my mom is all but nonexistent. She just can't or won't accept me as an adult. She thinks that I'm raising my kids all wrong, that I married the wrong man, that I'm being unreasonable when it comes to the situation with my grandparents, that I'm a horrible person for not going to New Mexico for Thanksgiving with the rest of them...and the list just goes on and on. Mostly it doesn't bother me anymore, but there are days...

The kids are growing like weeds. Zoe just passed her fourth birthday and Travace is at the 2 1/2 year mark. They're changing so quickly that it feels so hard to keep up.

           Well my grandparents may have moved to another state but I still can't let my guard down. My sister decided that it would be a good idea for us all to go to NM for Thanksgiving. I told both her and my mom that on no terms would I and my family be doing that. If she and my sister want to waste their holiday doing that it's totally up to them. Levi has work that week, I won't go into the lion's den without him, my children won't be going without us, we have no desire to see my grandparents and we're not going to put our kids through that long of a trip and waste the money!
           No matter how many times I tell Mom and Bethany that I am done with my grandparents and do not want to be a part of their lives anymore, they still spring these things on me. Expecting me to feel guilty enough to give in I guess. The thing is, I don't feel guilty about no longer having anything to do with my grandparents in the slightest bit. Being around them is like willingly exposing yourself to radiation poisoning or something.

          We're going to start trying the whole self sufficient farming thing. Levi is building a chicken coop and has plans for a hog pen, rabbit hutch, cow shed, and a large garden. I'm excited.

          I'm still trying to lose weight. I'm being hampered by two things: 1.) Having no desire to exercise. 2.) Birth control. lol

          Zoe will be four in November! I can't believe that she's already that age. It doesn't feel like it's been that long. Travace is talking more and more clearly and he adds a couple of new words to his vocabulary every day.

        Bethany just found out that she's pregnant with baby #2. Here in a few weeks we'll know what she's having. Margo will be about a month short of being 2 years older than the new baby. 

All last month my mantra was: please just shoot me and put me out of my misery. We had three little kid birthdays in May (my baby boy's included) and my little brother got married. The wedding kind of dominated everything and the issues that it brought made an already stressful month almost unbearable for a (for lack of a better term) empath like me.

My grandparents came back from New Mexico for the wedding. I thought that I was done with them for good, but here they came again. They didn't say anything to me and were on their best behavior with the kids, but the negative energy that they brought to everything wore me to a frazzle. Now I'm borrowing more trouble and worry. I wasn't the only one that was negatively affected by their visit. My mom, who has been a lot better since they moved away, has sunk back into depression, which, in turn, is dragging me down too.

My defenses must be at an all time low, because I thought that I had these issues beat. But here they are again, rearing their ugly heads and all I want to do is hit someone.

Maybe it's the onset of summer and the horrible memories of last year are invading my subconscious, who the hell knows? All that I know is I'm depressed and on edge. And I think that the kids are picking up on the things that I am trying to keep hidden. So what am I going to do about it? I don't know and it's driving me insane.

I am a laid back person, I don't like being on edge. Everything feels off kilter and I'm scrambling to regain my balance.

Travace is now 2 and Zoe is 3 1/2. They're growing so fast and I can hardly keep up. It's bittersweet. I'm proud of them and want them to grow and learn, but I want to keep my babies as long as possible and I know that I am not the only Mommy out there who feels that way. It doesn't make it any easier.

The last couple of weeks have been hell for us. Everyone has had colds. Levi and I are over ours and we're now dealing with the last legs of Travace's and Zoe's colds. They're both coughing pretty badly. It's so wearing to have sick toddlers.

I have been struggling with moderate to severe anxiety for the last month. Last night I had my first panic attack of the year... I have no clue what set it off. One minute I'm laying in bed about to fall asleep and the next I have that extreme butterfly stomach thing and I can feel the bands of panic starting to tighten around my chest. I had to get up and come downstairs to sit with Levi on the couch until he could talk me down. I don't like having panic attacks. Luckily I don't have them very often anymore.

Things with Levi and I are better than they were...I think that we're going to be alright. We passed our 6th wedding anniversary on February 17th. It was a huge milestone for us. Life has become much less stressful. I am trying very hard to make myself clean and keep up with the house. I don't always succeed but I am trying. I have got to get past this negative cleaning thing from my past. If I can't get over it then SHE wins.

My grandparents finally moved to New Mexico right after Christmas...I didn't think that it would happen, but it finally did! As a result, my sister and I are being shunned because we haven't dropped our lives and come out with Mom to visit. We don't work so surely we aren't doing anything important! Beyond insulted. I don't know what she thinks that we owe her.

The kids are growing like weeds. Zoe is 3 and Trav is 22 months. They are both getting taller by the day. *sigh* It's going so fast...