On edge for weeks now. Emotionally crashing for almost as long... I just wish that things would level out again.

The summer heat has arrived. The kids want to go out and play but they overheat so quickly that we haven't let them out yet today.

This Saturday evening we're having my childhood best friend and her boyfriend over for dinner. I'm a little nervous about it but I'll get through it.

Spring has finally come to Oklahoma. And has brought allergies galore with it. Ye gods above, am I tired of feeling like crap thanks to pollen!

Levi is finally starting to do better. Thank the universe for that!

My children are growing like weeds. We're only a month away from Travace's third birthday. And 7 months from Zoe's fifth. Where has the time gone?

Anchor
Sing to me softly when my thoughts get to loud.
Hold my hand tightly so I don't drown.
Hug me to your chest so I can hear your heart beat.
Kiss away my sadness and let our eyes meet.
Let me get lost in your love,
Let me use you as my foundation,
Show me the stars so far above,
And the beauty in creation.
Quiet the noise that goes on in my head.
And cloak me in safety when I lay down in bed.
Be my anchor, my love, in the storm of life.
By: Christiana Parker

      As my baby boy turns into a little boy I find my arms aching to hold onto him for as long as I can. As Zoe turns into a little girl, I find myself thinking more and more about how she was as a baby. As they grow from toddlers to children, I worry about the heart aches and trials that life will inevitably throw at them. I ache for the them and the bad things that they will have to experience in order to become stronger and truly live their lives to the fullest extent.
     
     As much as I would love to wrap them in bubble wrap and shield them from the world, I know that in the long run I would be doing them a disservice. I experienced the results of that kind of upbringing first hand. I was so sheltered that when I got out into the world for the first time, it knocked me on my ass. Being so unprepared was almost the end of me. I won't do that to my kids. While I won't expose them to anything before they're ready to face it, I'm not going to pretend that the harsh realities of the world don't exist.

   I would love to have another baby, but as things stand right now, I first need a bigger house and Travace has GOT to be fully potty-trained. I am not dealing with both him and a new baby in diapers! Been there done that Jack!

   Levi is at the Ballroom working tonight. I don't like to be alone with my thoughts this late at night. I have a tendency to dwell on negatives and can throw myself into either panic or depression and I'm not sure which is worse.

   Christmas is right around the corner already. Zoe keeps talking about it and how much she wants snow for Christmas. Trying to explain that Oklahoma rarely gets snow to a four-year-old isn't the easiest thing...in fact it's almost freaking impossible.

   Travace a sneakier little stinker than I had originally given him credit for being. Yesterday he comes up to me and starts counting. 1-4 and then 10-14! Then he holds up three lego blocks in one hand and three fingers on the other and says: "Three my Mommy. It's three!". He also knows his letters A-D apparently. Today he shouts: "EYE!" and then jabs me in the eye with his finger. He also has an obsession with Angry Birds, or as he calls them "Anger Burds". They have Angry Birds plush back-packs at the store, and when we went this morning he held one of the red birds and talked to it the whole time we were shopping. I guess we know what to get him for Christmas! I also know what theme to use for his birthday next May! lol

I just keep adding work to my daily load. I must be a glutton for punishment or something...I am adding candle making, soap making, and bread baking to my list of stuff to do. Bread will be once a week at least, candle making won't be often mainly for gifts and such, and soap making will be more often than the candles because it is something that will get used daily.

I am tired but my life is full and I am happy.

Being a mom, a wife, a daughter, a best friend...it isn't easy.

I love what I have and what I am, but sometimes it's overwhelming.

Levi had all four of his wisdom teeth pulled on Friday morning and hasn't had the time to really just sit and get rest that he needs. I came down sick on Friday night and am still going through it. I don't know what it is, the flu or a severe chest cold. Anyway, poor Levi has been having to pick up the slack that I'm leaving and I feel really bad about it.

My relationship with my mom is all but nonexistent. She just can't or won't accept me as an adult. She thinks that I'm raising my kids all wrong, that I married the wrong man, that I'm being unreasonable when it comes to the situation with my grandparents, that I'm a horrible person for not going to New Mexico for Thanksgiving with the rest of them...and the list just goes on and on. Mostly it doesn't bother me anymore, but there are days...

The kids are growing like weeds. Zoe just passed her fourth birthday and Travace is at the 2 1/2 year mark. They're changing so quickly that it feels so hard to keep up.

           Well my grandparents may have moved to another state but I still can't let my guard down. My sister decided that it would be a good idea for us all to go to NM for Thanksgiving. I told both her and my mom that on no terms would I and my family be doing that. If she and my sister want to waste their holiday doing that it's totally up to them. Levi has work that week, I won't go into the lion's den without him, my children won't be going without us, we have no desire to see my grandparents and we're not going to put our kids through that long of a trip and waste the money!
           No matter how many times I tell Mom and Bethany that I am done with my grandparents and do not want to be a part of their lives anymore, they still spring these things on me. Expecting me to feel guilty enough to give in I guess. The thing is, I don't feel guilty about no longer having anything to do with my grandparents in the slightest bit. Being around them is like willingly exposing yourself to radiation poisoning or something.

          We're going to start trying the whole self sufficient farming thing. Levi is building a chicken coop and has plans for a hog pen, rabbit hutch, cow shed, and a large garden. I'm excited.

          I'm still trying to lose weight. I'm being hampered by two things: 1.) Having no desire to exercise. 2.) Birth control. lol

          Zoe will be four in November! I can't believe that she's already that age. It doesn't feel like it's been that long. Travace is talking more and more clearly and he adds a couple of new words to his vocabulary every day.

        Bethany just found out that she's pregnant with baby #2. Here in a few weeks we'll know what she's having. Margo will be about a month short of being 2 years older than the new baby. 

All last month my mantra was: please just shoot me and put me out of my misery. We had three little kid birthdays in May (my baby boy's included) and my little brother got married. The wedding kind of dominated everything and the issues that it brought made an already stressful month almost unbearable for a (for lack of a better term) empath like me.

My grandparents came back from New Mexico for the wedding. I thought that I was done with them for good, but here they came again. They didn't say anything to me and were on their best behavior with the kids, but the negative energy that they brought to everything wore me to a frazzle. Now I'm borrowing more trouble and worry. I wasn't the only one that was negatively affected by their visit. My mom, who has been a lot better since they moved away, has sunk back into depression, which, in turn, is dragging me down too.

My defenses must be at an all time low, because I thought that I had these issues beat. But here they are again, rearing their ugly heads and all I want to do is hit someone.

Maybe it's the onset of summer and the horrible memories of last year are invading my subconscious, who the hell knows? All that I know is I'm depressed and on edge. And I think that the kids are picking up on the things that I am trying to keep hidden. So what am I going to do about it? I don't know and it's driving me insane.

I am a laid back person, I don't like being on edge. Everything feels off kilter and I'm scrambling to regain my balance.

Travace is now 2 and Zoe is 3 1/2. They're growing so fast and I can hardly keep up. It's bittersweet. I'm proud of them and want them to grow and learn, but I want to keep my babies as long as possible and I know that I am not the only Mommy out there who feels that way. It doesn't make it any easier.

The last couple of weeks have been hell for us. Everyone has had colds. Levi and I are over ours and we're now dealing with the last legs of Travace's and Zoe's colds. They're both coughing pretty badly. It's so wearing to have sick toddlers.

I have been struggling with moderate to severe anxiety for the last month. Last night I had my first panic attack of the year... I have no clue what set it off. One minute I'm laying in bed about to fall asleep and the next I have that extreme butterfly stomach thing and I can feel the bands of panic starting to tighten around my chest. I had to get up and come downstairs to sit with Levi on the couch until he could talk me down. I don't like having panic attacks. Luckily I don't have them very often anymore.

Things with Levi and I are better than they were...I think that we're going to be alright. We passed our 6th wedding anniversary on February 17th. It was a huge milestone for us. Life has become much less stressful. I am trying very hard to make myself clean and keep up with the house. I don't always succeed but I am trying. I have got to get past this negative cleaning thing from my past. If I can't get over it then SHE wins.

My grandparents finally moved to New Mexico right after Christmas...I didn't think that it would happen, but it finally did! As a result, my sister and I are being shunned because we haven't dropped our lives and come out with Mom to visit. We don't work so surely we aren't doing anything important! Beyond insulted. I don't know what she thinks that we owe her.

The kids are growing like weeds. Zoe is 3 and Trav is 22 months. They are both getting taller by the day. *sigh* It's going so fast...

How much pain can a heart take when it is repeatedly exposed to that which causes it pain?
Life has thrown me a curve ball, I'm trying to do everything I can to make lemonade of the lemons given. But I am running into road blocks at every turn. Why can't something just work the way it's supposed to for once?
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm trying to just ride the wave, but the wind keeps pushing me off course.
I don't know how much more I can take before I drown.

This week sucks. Travace came down sick late Friday night with a cold brought on by teething and the change in the weather. He's been unbearable. Levi was away for the weekend in Woodward, OK so I was dealing with uber crank and his sister all by myself. We went to Mom's on Saturday and neither of the kids' attitudes changed much. Levi got home on Saturday night but nothing has changed. Now instead of yelling at me every two seconds for their daddy now they're yelling his name every two seconds for no apparent reason.

Levi and I have caught the cold that Trav still has and now Zoe's coming down with it too. Right now it feels like the whole universe is against us.

I am doing my level best to change things about me that I don't like. I have made myself a cleaning schedule for every day of the week. Because I feel like crap, I'm not getting nearly as much done as I would like, but I am trying.

Levi says that life is resistant to change even though it constantly brings change about. It appears to be true. I'm having to put off getting a job until after the first of the year. It's really throwing me off. I was all geared up and ready to start working again so that I can start being self sufficient. Now I have to grind to a halt? Not doing very well at all with that.

God, I hope the week gets better! I don't know how much more either of us can take.

The cooler weather is wreaking havoc on my allergies. I'm glad that we finally have a break in the weather but it's supposed to be back up in the mid-ninety's next week. Damn living in Oklahoma sometimes. LOL

Levi is still sleeping, the kids are watching Jungle Junction. I'm trying to occupy my overly busy mind from scattering in a million different directions. I think that I'm going to continue my crochet project that I started for Trav. (I'm making him a blanket and Zoe is next, then my niece Margo).

I don't know which way I'm going anymore. The one thing that I thought would stay solid is on shaky ground. I am facing the humiliating task of finding a job. And I'm trying to find out who I am apart from my titles. It's very confusing...

The last couple of weeks haven't been easy ones for me. Big changes are coming at me too fast for my liking.

Levi and I are trying to figure out things about ourselves and our marriage. I'm job hunting. My mom and I aren't on the greatest of terms. Zoe will be 3 in two months and Travace is walking everywhere and starting to talk.

Needless to say my mental and emotional states are under a lot of stress. I'm trying to take all this one day at a time, one thing at a time but I keep tottering back and forth between being filled with this manic energy and drowning in the emotions.

Throughout all of this week one song has helped anchor me: I Dare You to Move by Switchfoot. The second verse says: Welcome to the fallout. Welcome to resistance. The tension is here, the tension is here. Between who you are and who you could be. Between how it is and how is should be...
Every time I hear the song in my head or sing it to myself I feel much more calm.

I'm trying very hard to change things about myself for myself while remaining a good and steady mother to my children. It hasn't been easy. I want to be a good wife and a good mother, but I'm learning that in order to do those things like I want to, I have to first make myself happy. Because right now I don't love or like myself very much at all. And haven't done so for a long time. How can I expect anyone else to like and love me if that's the case?

It's going to be a long lesson but I'm slowly learning it.

So far the hardest life lesson that I'm learning is that some people just can't be happy no matter what they do. They're self-destructive and just can't allow themselves on iota of happiness, it's like they feel like happiness is wrong for them.

I am learning that it's not my problem to try and fix. That is a hard one for me. I can see the answer so clearly and when I see someone sabotaging themselves it hurts and frustrates me. I know that I don't have all of the answers but when I see the answer to a problem it drives me crazy when people won't listen or can't see it.

I've cried over the situation so many times lately I'm just drained.

The sun has gone down but I'm glad that it went
I prefer the darkness for messages sent.
Sent far away on the breezes so light
Born on the wings of the couriers of night.
The stars are cold diamonds on the canvas of black
Looking down on the land they don't want to come back.
The moon bathes the world in a bright silver glow
She touches all with her song, so gentle and low.
Oh Lady Moon hear my wishes I plead!
I need you to listen, to guide and to lead.
I'm so lost during the day, I feel calm only at night
Please give me answers and please clear my sight.

Ever had a sadness deep inside that you just can't seem to shake off? This time of year almost always does this to me.
I don't know if it's fatigue or just a deeply rooted wish that things could be simple. No arguments, no silent tension, no feelings that what you're doing isn't approved of. I could go on but that would be pointless.
I should be happy this time of year; but all that I can think of is: "Do I really have to?".

Levi has been having panic attacks for about a week now and this morning we ended up in the ER when his blood pressure spiked to 184 over 120 at 5:30 a.m. Not my preferred way to wake up for sure. They gave a diagnosis of panic disorder. While I'm glad that we know what's wrong now, I can't help but worry about how in the world we're going to pay for an ER visit on top of everything else! (And they say that free health care would be a really bad idea, have they taken the time to talk to those of us who can't afford health insurance?).
Anyway, I called about a temporary data entry position at one of the tax offices for the tax season so hopefully I'll hear back from them soon.

My little man Trav is 6 months-old now, and Zoe is 2 years-old. I can't believe how fast the time is flying by. Soon they'll be teenagers...ewww. lol

Journey to Self

It's been a long time since I've been on here. Lots of things have happened lately. I had my second child, my son Travace Dane, on 5-27-10. Zoe is now 20 months-old and a toddler terror. I have also embarked on a journey...a journey to self.

One day not long after Travace was born Aola and Levi were talking about their spiritual journeys and all of their talk kinda made me feel like I was being left out and left behind. I had already done some soul searching on my beliefs and understood that I still believed in what I had always been taught but with a wider range than I was taught. So why was I still feeling so restless and uncomfortable in my own skin? Then it hit me. I don't know who I am anymore. The person that I thought that I was no longer applies. I'm not an unmarried teen any more. I'm 24 years-old, married, and a mommy of two. Who am I now that I'm an adult? When I couldn't come up with an answer I decided to find one.

I have begun reading books to get me thinking. Women Who Run With Wolves by Dr. E., Dance of the Dissident Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd and Mothers, Sons, and Lovers by Michael Gurian. The last one I bought in order to get a better idea on what my role in my son's life should be and how important it is. But when I started reading it I realized that I was getting more out of it in relation to my relationship with my mom. One of the things that he talks about is the reason why so many men and women aren't well adjusted adult is because they are "still dancing in their mother's mirror" and that until we stop dancing in our mother's mirror and find our own we will not be all that we can be as adults. When I read that I realized that I was still dancing in my mother's mirror as she was still dancing in her mother's mirror and my grandmother was still dancing in her mother's mirror. The revelation scared me as much as it explained things to me. As much as I love my mom I don't want to be like her. I want to be my own person and I want my children to be their own people. I want to break the cycle and this scares my mom and nana.

I want this journey to reveal more but at times it scares me still...especially since my family can't understand it. But as Sue Monk Kidd says in Dance of the Dissident Daughter: "The truth may set you free but first it will shatter the safe comfortable life you lead."

What makes us what we are?

What makes us what we are? Is it our circumstances? How we were raised? Or is it just our nature? I have to admit that I've been wondering this very thing lately. I'm trying to follow a dream that I've had since I was 13 or 14. I'm trying to write a book. And in the process of trying to figure out who my characters are or who they become I've found myself reviewing my own life and who I am. Who am I really? Why am I here? And am I doing the things that need to be done or will I leave this earth with unfinished business?

As some of you may have noticed I changed my blog title. I changed it to reflect my life. I feel that every time I get something down and am beginning to understand how my life works, something happens to confuse me all over again.
Being a mom is a scary yet rewarding experience. Zoe is the light of my life. But looking at her I realize that some day she'll grow up and leave... just like I did, just like my parents did and their parents etc. etc. At times the thought of letting her go to such a cruel world hurts me so much that I find myself crying as I play with her, or when she flashes that toothless drooly grin, or when she trys to talk to my while she's nursing. It hurts my heart to think that she'll have to learn how harsh and scary the world truly is. But I too had to learn it and honestly am still learning it.
I'm so sorry now that I thought my mom was holding on too tight. I think that I already understand how hard it is for her. She lost my younger sister and I within six months of each other and my brother just moved about 100 miles away from her at the age of 19. My mom is only 42 and can't believe that all of her kids are grown and gone already. I had Zoe, my first, at the same age that my mom had my brother, her youngest. Will I get past this?

I might be having my baby on Friday!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited! My doctor told me to come back in on Thursday and if I'm effaced enough and the hospital can get me in we'll have her on Friday. If not then we're going to wait until the following Friday, which is a day after her due date, and induce her then... unless she decides to come on her own. Which, if she's anything like me, won't happen. I was 3 weeks late and was still reluctant to leave the womb... even after they induced me!