The last couple of weeks haven't been easy ones for me. Big changes are coming at me too fast for my liking.

Levi and I are trying to figure out things about ourselves and our marriage. I'm job hunting. My mom and I aren't on the greatest of terms. Zoe will be 3 in two months and Travace is walking everywhere and starting to talk.

Needless to say my mental and emotional states are under a lot of stress. I'm trying to take all this one day at a time, one thing at a time but I keep tottering back and forth between being filled with this manic energy and drowning in the emotions.

Throughout all of this week one song has helped anchor me: I Dare You to Move by Switchfoot. The second verse says: Welcome to the fallout. Welcome to resistance. The tension is here, the tension is here. Between who you are and who you could be. Between how it is and how is should be...
Every time I hear the song in my head or sing it to myself I feel much more calm.

I'm trying very hard to change things about myself for myself while remaining a good and steady mother to my children. It hasn't been easy. I want to be a good wife and a good mother, but I'm learning that in order to do those things like I want to, I have to first make myself happy. Because right now I don't love or like myself very much at all. And haven't done so for a long time. How can I expect anyone else to like and love me if that's the case?

It's going to be a long lesson but I'm slowly learning it.