Journey to Self

It's been a long time since I've been on here. Lots of things have happened lately. I had my second child, my son Travace Dane, on 5-27-10. Zoe is now 20 months-old and a toddler terror. I have also embarked on a journey...a journey to self.

One day not long after Travace was born Aola and Levi were talking about their spiritual journeys and all of their talk kinda made me feel like I was being left out and left behind. I had already done some soul searching on my beliefs and understood that I still believed in what I had always been taught but with a wider range than I was taught. So why was I still feeling so restless and uncomfortable in my own skin? Then it hit me. I don't know who I am anymore. The person that I thought that I was no longer applies. I'm not an unmarried teen any more. I'm 24 years-old, married, and a mommy of two. Who am I now that I'm an adult? When I couldn't come up with an answer I decided to find one.

I have begun reading books to get me thinking. Women Who Run With Wolves by Dr. E., Dance of the Dissident Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd and Mothers, Sons, and Lovers by Michael Gurian. The last one I bought in order to get a better idea on what my role in my son's life should be and how important it is. But when I started reading it I realized that I was getting more out of it in relation to my relationship with my mom. One of the things that he talks about is the reason why so many men and women aren't well adjusted adult is because they are "still dancing in their mother's mirror" and that until we stop dancing in our mother's mirror and find our own we will not be all that we can be as adults. When I read that I realized that I was still dancing in my mother's mirror as she was still dancing in her mother's mirror and my grandmother was still dancing in her mother's mirror. The revelation scared me as much as it explained things to me. As much as I love my mom I don't want to be like her. I want to be my own person and I want my children to be their own people. I want to break the cycle and this scares my mom and nana.

I want this journey to reveal more but at times it scares me still...especially since my family can't understand it. But as Sue Monk Kidd says in Dance of the Dissident Daughter: "The truth may set you free but first it will shatter the safe comfortable life you lead."