Learning to Breathe

2011-09-16T13:45:00.002-06:00

How much pain can a heart take when it is repeatedly exposed to that which causes it pain?
Life has thrown me a curve ball, I'm trying to do everything I can to make lemonade of the lemons given. But I am running into road blocks at every turn. Why can't something just work the way it's supposed to for once?
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm trying to just ride the wave, but the wind keeps pushing me off course.
I don't know how much more I can take before I drown.

2011-09-13T16:46:00.002-06:00

This week sucks. Travace came down sick late Friday night with a cold brought on by teething and the change in the weather. He's been unbearable. Levi was away for the weekend in Woodward, OK so I was dealing with uber crank and his sister all by myself. We went to Mom's on Saturday and neither of the kids' attitudes changed much. Levi got home on Saturday night but nothing has changed. Now instead of yelling at me every two seconds for their daddy now they're yelling his name every two seconds for no apparent reason.

Levi and I have caught the cold that Trav still has and now Zoe's coming down with it too. Right now it feels like the whole universe is against us.

I am doing my level best to change things about me that I don't like. I have made myself a cleaning schedule for every day of the week. Because I feel like crap, I'm not getting nearly as much done as I would like, but I am trying.

Levi says that life is resistant to change even though it constantly brings change about. It appears to be true. I'm having to put off getting a job until after the first of the year. It's really throwing me off. I was all geared up and ready to start working again so that I can start being self sufficient. Now I have to grind to a halt? Not doing very well at all with that.

God, I hope the week gets better! I don't know how much more either of us can take.

2011-09-08T10:55:00.002-06:00

The cooler weather is wreaking havoc on my allergies. I'm glad that we finally have a break in the weather but it's supposed to be back up in the mid-ninety's next week. Damn living in Oklahoma sometimes. LOL

Levi is still sleeping, the kids are watching Jungle Junction. I'm trying to occupy my overly busy mind from scattering in a million different directions. I think that I'm going to continue my crochet project that I started for Trav. (I'm making him a blanket and Zoe is next, then my niece Margo).

I don't know which way I'm going anymore. The one thing that I thought would stay solid is on shaky ground. I am facing the humiliating task of finding a job. And I'm trying to find out who I am apart from my titles. It's very confusing...

2011-09-07T21:15:00.002-06:00

The last couple of weeks haven't been easy ones for me. Big changes are coming at me too fast for my liking.

Levi and I are trying to figure out things about ourselves and our marriage. I'm job hunting. My mom and I aren't on the greatest of terms. Zoe will be 3 in two months and Travace is walking everywhere and starting to talk.

Needless to say my mental and emotional states are under a lot of stress. I'm trying to take all this one day at a time, one thing at a time but I keep tottering back and forth between being filled with this manic energy and drowning in the emotions.

Throughout all of this week one song has helped anchor me: I Dare You to Move by Switchfoot. The second verse says: Welcome to the fallout. Welcome to resistance. The tension is here, the tension is here. Between who you are and who you could be. Between how it is and how is should be...
Every time I hear the song in my head or sing it to myself I feel much more calm.

I'm trying very hard to change things about myself for myself while remaining a good and steady mother to my children. It hasn't been easy. I want to be a good wife and a good mother, but I'm learning that in order to do those things like I want to, I have to first make myself happy. Because right now I don't love or like myself very much at all. And haven't done so for a long time. How can I expect anyone else to like and love me if that's the case?

It's going to be a long lesson but I'm slowly learning it.

2011-01-31T18:54:00.002-06:00

So far the hardest life lesson that I'm learning is that some people just can't be happy no matter what they do. They're self-destructive and just can't allow themselves on iota of happiness, it's like they feel like happiness is wrong for them.

I am learning that it's not my problem to try and fix. That is a hard one for me. I can see the answer so clearly and when I see someone sabotaging themselves it hurts and frustrates me. I know that I don't have all of the answers but when I see the answer to a problem it drives me crazy when people won't listen or can't see it.

I've cried over the situation so many times lately I'm just drained.

2011-01-30T11:28:00.002-06:00

The sun has gone down but I'm glad that it went
I prefer the darkness for messages sent.
Sent far away on the breezes so light
Born on the wings of the couriers of night.
The stars are cold diamonds on the canvas of black
Looking down on the land they don't want to come back.
The moon bathes the world in a bright silver glow
She touches all with her song, so gentle and low.
Oh Lady Moon hear my wishes I plead!
I need you to listen, to guide and to lead.
I'm so lost during the day, I feel calm only at night
Please give me answers and please clear my sight.

2010-12-06T14:05:00.002-06:00

Ever had a sadness deep inside that you just can't seem to shake off? This time of year almost always does this to me.
I don't know if it's fatigue or just a deeply rooted wish that things could be simple. No arguments, no silent tension, no feelings that what you're doing isn't approved of. I could go on but that would be pointless.
I should be happy this time of year; but all that I can think of is: "Do I really have to?".

Levi has been having panic attacks for about a week now and this morning we ended up in the ER when his blood pressure spiked to 184 over 120 at 5:30 a.m. Not my preferred way to wake up for sure. They gave a diagnosis of panic disorder. While I'm glad that we know what's wrong now, I can't help but worry about how in the world we're going to pay for an ER visit on top of everything else! (And they say that free health care would be a really bad idea, have they taken the time to talk to those of us who can't afford health insurance?).
Anyway, I called about a temporary data entry position at one of the tax offices for the tax season so hopefully I'll hear back from them soon.

My little man Trav is 6 months-old now, and Zoe is 2 years-old. I can't believe how fast the time is flying by. Soon they'll be teenagers...ewww. lol

Journey to Self

2010-07-14T16:32:00.002-06:00

It's been a long time since I've been on here. Lots of things have happened lately. I had my second child, my son Travace Dane, on 5-27-10. Zoe is now 20 months-old and a toddler terror. I have also embarked on a journey...a journey to self.

One day not long after Travace was born Aola and Levi were talking about their spiritual journeys and all of their talk kinda made me feel like I was being left out and left behind. I had already done some soul searching on my beliefs and understood that I still believed in what I had always been taught but with a wider range than I was taught. So why was I still feeling so restless and uncomfortable in my own skin? Then it hit me. I don't know who I am anymore. The person that I thought that I was no longer applies. I'm not an unmarried teen any more. I'm 24 years-old, married, and a mommy of two. Who am I now that I'm an adult? When I couldn't come up with an answer I decided to find one.

I have begun reading books to get me thinking. Women Who Run With Wolves by Dr. E., Dance of the Dissident Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd and Mothers, Sons, and Lovers by Michael Gurian. The last one I bought in order to get a better idea on what my role in my son's life should be and how important it is. But when I started reading it I realized that I was getting more out of it in relation to my relationship with my mom. One of the things that he talks about is the reason why so many men and women aren't well adjusted adult is because they are "still dancing in their mother's mirror" and that until we stop dancing in our mother's mirror and find our own we will not be all that we can be as adults. When I read that I realized that I was still dancing in my mother's mirror as she was still dancing in her mother's mirror and my grandmother was still dancing in her mother's mirror. The revelation scared me as much as it explained things to me. As much as I love my mom I don't want to be like her. I want to be my own person and I want my children to be their own people. I want to break the cycle and this scares my mom and nana.

I want this journey to reveal more but at times it scares me still...especially since my family can't understand it. But as Sue Monk Kidd says in Dance of the Dissident Daughter: "The truth may set you free but first it will shatter the safe comfortable life you lead."

What makes us what we are?

2009-02-05T18:08:00.002-06:00

What makes us what we are? Is it our circumstances? How we were raised? Or is it just our nature? I have to admit that I've been wondering this very thing lately. I'm trying to follow a dream that I've had since I was 13 or 14. I'm trying to write a book. And in the process of trying to figure out who my characters are or who they become I've found myself reviewing my own life and who I am. Who am I really? Why am I here? And am I doing the things that need to be done or will I leave this earth with unfinished business?

2009-02-02T22:12:00.002-06:00

As some of you may have noticed I changed my blog title. I changed it to reflect my life. I feel that every time I get something down and am beginning to understand how my life works, something happens to confuse me all over again.
Being a mom is a scary yet rewarding experience. Zoe is the light of my life. But looking at her I realize that some day she'll grow up and leave... just like I did, just like my parents did and their parents etc. etc. At times the thought of letting her go to such a cruel world hurts me so much that I find myself crying as I play with her, or when she flashes that toothless drooly grin, or when she trys to talk to my while she's nursing. It hurts my heart to think that she'll have to learn how harsh and scary the world truly is. But I too had to learn it and honestly am still learning it.
I'm so sorry now that I thought my mom was holding on too tight. I think that I already understand how hard it is for her. She lost my younger sister and I within six months of each other and my brother just moved about 100 miles away from her at the age of 19. My mom is only 42 and can't believe that all of her kids are grown and gone already. I had Zoe, my first, at the same age that my mom had my brother, her youngest. Will I get past this?

2008-11-11T12:56:00.003-06:00

I might be having my baby on Friday!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited! My doctor told me to come back in on Thursday and if I'm effaced enough and the hospital can get me in we'll have her on Friday. If not then we're going to wait until the following Friday, which is a day after her due date, and induce her then... unless she decides to come on her own. Which, if she's anything like me, won't happen. I was 3 weeks late and was still reluctant to leave the womb... even after they induced me!

2008-11-06T13:46:00.002-06:00

Ever had a day where all you wanted to do was cry? That's how it is for me today. I should be happy today, it's my 23rd birthday and the 2 week marker for Zoe's due date. But instead I'm wondering why I even bother with anything. I realized today that I've been effectively replaced by everyone except my parents with Zoe. I called my sister a few minutes ago to see how they were and when they got home last night and the first thing she did was wish me a dutiful Happy Birthday.
After that all the questions she had were about when I was thinking of inducing Zoe or if I thought she would come on her own soon.
My mom actually apologized for not thinking to come out and take me home for the day so that I wouldn't have to spend my birthday alone.
When I logged onto my facebook account this afternoon there were quite a few happy birthday messages waiting for me... all of them from people I haven't seen in a long time.
I think that my siblings and my grandparents see Zoe as a second chance to do what they failed to do with me. Kind of like an: " Well Christi didn't turn out the way we wanted her to so maybe Zoe will," type thing. Well I've got news. This little girl will march to the beat of her own drum just like her daddy and me. We're not going to let her be manipulated into some brain-washed robot like I feel so many people tried to make me into.
I'm sorry that so many of my blogs are so negative but this is how I vent I guess. I don't say things very well out loud so this is where it all comes out the way I want it to. And I'm an emotional/hormonal mess with this pregnancy too. I can't help but laugh at myself sometimes.

2008-11-04T14:04:00.002-06:00

Yesterday we had a scare. Zoe didn't move all morning or for most of the afternoon. My mom and nana came and drove me to the doctor's office so that they could hook me up to the fetal monitor for a little while. I was doing fine when I called the doctor, then called my mom to let her know what was going on. I fell apart when I called Levi. As soon as I heard his voice on the other end of the line my control crumbled into dust and I was left shaking, crying, and close to panic. I don't like to be that way... especially when he's not at home.
When we got to the doctor's, they hooked up the monitors and left my mom and I in the room while it did it's thing. As soon as the nurse left Zoe started moving like she had been doing it all along. I wasn't having any contractions but her heart rate was fluctuating between 145 and 170 b.p.m. I didn't know whether to cry with relief or frustration. The doctor came in after about 15 minutes looked at the chart and declared her one of the healthiest babies she's ever seen.
She then proceeded to tell me that she doesn't induce until 39 weeks at least. In my emotional state that wasn't a good thing to tell me. Honestly I had been hoping that we could get it all over with then and there.
She did suggest that I take Unisom and get some good sleep. I look like death warmed over. If the sleeplessness doesn't let up within the next couple of days I'm going to try it and see if it will help.

2008-10-30T14:42:00.002-06:00

This baby needs to hurry and get here. Levi is watching me like a time bomb, Mom answers the phone in a panic every time I call, and I'm as tense as a steel spring most of the time... was that a contraction?
I need to get a freaking grip on myself, so does everyone else. Especially me though. If I'm not relaxed it's going to take her twice as long to get here.
Sister keeps telling me to wait until she and brother get home next weekend to have the baby so they can pace in the waiting room. NOT my choice! If this baby does come early I hope it's on my birthday next week or on a day that isn't the 14th, 15th, or 16th. Too many birthdays in November!

2008-10-24T09:05:00.003-06:00

Winter is in the air. Leave it to Oklahoma to skip almost an entire season. Levi seems to think that this means we're in for a mean winter.
The nursery is all but complete. The only things that remain are some touch up work, the curtains, and painting the end table white... oh and Levi wants to replace the ceiling fan with one that's a little more girley. He's so going to spoil this baby girl rotten... if her grandparents don't beat him to it. ;)
I'm tired. Tired but happy. I only have four more weeks to go in this pregnancy. Four weeks that are going to last an eternity. People keep telling me that the last few weeks will go by more quickly because I'll be visiting the doctor every week from now on but I'm not so sure.
I have to take Heidi, our little beagle mix, to the vet for her second round of puppy shots today... on my own. I don't know how well I'll do considering the fact that I'm pregnant and I can't stand the sight of needles...(the fear of needles is part of the reason why I am going to do a natural birth).
My baby shower is on Sunday afternoon/evening. My sister and her wonderful friend are throwing it for me. I'm so excited! I'll get to see all of my friends again and that will be great. But I can't help but feel a little anxious. My Nana is going to be there and the last thing that I need is for her to take offense at something that one of my friends say or do (since a lot of them aren't really your traditional "Christians" and tend to say exactly what they think). I'm sort of worried that she'll cause a scene and embarrass my mom, sister, and myself. This is probably unfounded but you know with the hormones and stuff it seems like a very real possibility.

Baby girl,
Sweet baby girl,
You are coming into one messed up world.
My prayer for you,
Is that you'll be true,
To your heart and soul.
Let no one take,
Or try to break,
Your spirit or take control of you.
Always know,
As you grow,
That you are loved no matter what you do.
You'll be my girl,
Sweet baby girl,
And I'll always be there for you.

By: Christi Parker

2008-10-16T09:57:00.002-06:00

I wish that I could say that the curve balls that life throws my way no longer phase me... but that would be lying.
This morning while talking on the phone with my mom I had a revelation. It's really been bothering me for the last couple of months, the way that Levi and I got married. With no thought for either of our parents feelings... this isn't me. I'm the type of person who wants everyone to live in harmony with each other and I do NOT like to create conflict of any kind... so why did I allow things to happen the way that they did?
The reason I discovered this morning is this: when Levi and I started dating it was at a time in my life when I felt like no one really cared about me. I was pretty much an outcast from the church I was going to. My siblings never stood up for me when I got my heart broken or someone there hurt me. They would always say that it was my fault that the things would happen and I shouldn't blame the emotional results on THEIR friends. I was living with my dad, who never seemed to care where I was or who I was with. He never seemed to hear me when I would tell him about my plans and was always surprised when I would call and tell him that my plans had changed. Mom was the only one who really paid attention. Levi treated me like I was worth something. This is why I went against everyone the way that I did.

2008-10-08T10:40:00.003-06:00

You know I find it amazing that the people who we love or admire the most are the ones that often hurt or disappoint us the easiest.
Why is this? Do we place these people on pedestals and expect them to be less human and more immortal than the rest of the world? Is this why we're so easily crushed when they fail us as all humans do?
I believe that this is true... after a fashion. Not only do we place these people on pedestals, we also pour out our souls to them. Therefore they know our weaknesses and are able to (whether intentionally or not) use them against us. This is true with our families, spouses, friends, and heroes. We in this life need to stop having unrealistic expectations of people and realize that we're all subject to human screw-ups. Easier said than done, I know. But the first step to fixing something is to admit that it's broken.

2008-10-06T13:21:00.002-06:00

As my due date creeps closer my impatience and panic start to cement themselves into my soul. Each day the panic and the impatience both seem to either cut off my air supply or threaten to drive me insane.
Though my temper has been short the last few months it's nothing compared to what poor Levi's is. I get chewed out on almost a daily basis for things that aren't in my control. I know he's doing his job worrying about our finances, my health, the baby's health, etc. But I have to admit it's can get more than a little annoying.... especially when he doesn't want me to go anywhere in case something were to happen. He says that it's because he can't bear the thought of losing both me and the baby and I understand, but at the same time I wish that he wouldn't worry so much.

My Siblings

As much as I love my brother and sister sometimes I worry about them. They're so caught up in the church and their friends that they tend to take their family for granted.
When my sister is home for a couple of days after being gone for two plus weeks does she go see my mom for an evening? Not very often. 9 times out of 10 you can find her and her husband at one of their friends houses. Then she has the gall to turn a guilt trip on me for having plans on some night that she wants to get the family together.
My brother is a little better. But he still tends to put his friends first. He drops everything for them but we (his family) have to fight to even get him on the phone to make sure he's still alive.
How is it that this happens so much of the time? One sibling does all that they can for their family and the rest just figure that the family will always be there but the friends are more important?
I know that I must seem tired and bitchy and in many ways I am but still even if I wasn't pregnant this would bother me.

2008-09-30T08:27:00.002-06:00

Sometimes it amazes me how fragile life is and how quickly it can end. What amazes me even more is how most people live their lives like they're invincible, and waste their precious time on things like drugs, alcohol, their next relationship, money... the list goes on and on. All things that in the end really don't matter.
Over the weekend my mom's sister-in-law was killed in a freak accident. She was only 25-years-old and had a 7-year-old little girl. I must confess that I didn't like the woman at all and that the person I feel the most sorry for is her little girl. No one deserves to lose their mommy at that age.
She wasted her life in drugs and alcohol.
The news of this got me thinking about my own life. When I was a teenager I had big plans and even bigger dreams. I was going to be a missionary and change the world. I did my bit of globe trotting and then something in me changed. I didn't want to just go over to some third-world country for a few months and then come home to my comfortable life and look back on those trips as really nothing more than an extended vacation. If I was going to do missions I wanted to do them long term so that I could share my beliefs and help people by example and friendship... instead of shoving them down their throats.
When I look at my life now I wonder where that person went. My brother and sister are off doing something to change their worlds. (My sister plays keyboards in a worship band and my brother is going to Dallas after Christmas for a year to train worship leaders). And here I am. At home, married, not even working and almost 8 months pregnant. What am I contributing? Am I just wasting my time?
My mom helped set me straight. She told me that being a good mother is probably the most important thing in the world. Sure it's generally sneered at in this age of women doing men's jobs and leaving their kids to be raised by others. But think about it. We're raising the next generation. We have to make sure that they're law-abiding, moral adults. That isn't something that we as humans are born with.
I know my purpose for this chapter of my life. I just wish that some of my friends could figure it out too.

Random thoughts

2008-09-24T12:59:00.004-06:00

Only 9 weeks left to go in this pregnancy. Believe me when I say that I am more than ready for it to be over! Don't get me wrong I will thoroughly enjoy my new baby girl when she's here but I will not miss being pregnant.
Levi is leaving for Oklahoma City tomorrow for a two day supervisor training seminar. I am so proud of him. He works so hard at what he does not just for me and the baby's sake but for his own as well. He can't do a half-way job. Everything he does he gives it 100%. I wish that I was more like that.
Sometimes I still wonder how in the world a girl like me ended up with a guy like him. He's focused and intense while I'm laid back and well...odd for the lack of a better word. Maybe we're together because we're so different. I admit that I'm extremely curious to find out what our little Zoe Elizabeth is going to be like with her parents being total opposites.